so today marks the opening of a new chapter in my life. in a few hours i will be headed down the road on my way to Dallas TX. over the last few weeks God has been closing several previous chapters in preparation for this step. it is a weird feeling to have closed a chapter but to have not opened the next. this has been a week of sad fair wells and busy packing. i have been spending every spare moment that i can with my family and friends who i will not see in person for a long time (thank God for skype!!). while this has been sad to say good bye i am excited to see what Papa God is going to do in this season. there are many promises that He has given me that i have no clue how or when they will be fulfilled or even what they will look like when they do. all i know is my God is an Awesome God, He is my Papa and my Provider and He is the One leading me on this journey and it is up to Him to keep me safe. i Love you all thank you for your prayers and Love. i will try to update on a semi-regular basis (although i really don’t know what life is going to look like yet so we will see won’t we ^.^) God Bless you all. the Spirit and the Bride say “Come Lord Jesus Come!”
so lately I have been (once again) wondering why God made me. that is, why did He make me me as opposed to making me someone else? and who am I anyway? I’ve heard it said that the greatest form of praise and honor of God’s creativity is to be the best you that you can be. in other words me yourself, don’t try to be anyone else, because being anyone else would be an insult to the calling and destiny that God has given you. so my question is, Who am I? how did God make me that is different from everyone else in all of time, past, present, or future. how do I be the best me when I don’t know what makes me me. and what parts of me are actually parts of me and what are learned habits that will probably shift or be removed as God matures and prunes me? what dose God get having made me me that He wouldn’t get if He had not made me? what is the unique expression of Love and adoration that only i can give out of anyone in all of time? what is my assignment from God? how am i supposed to show His Love in this world? what am i supposed to be preparing for?
Now i’m not talking about Identity, or my position in Christ, and i’m not even specifically talking about the First Commandment to Love God with all we are and to Love the one in front of us. these apply to every believer and have to do with the Purchase of the Cross.
No. What i’m talking about is the secondary calling, our unique assignment that we are to do while here on earth. the specific unique gifts/gift combinations, the traits, passions, interests, dreams, circumstances, and quirks that God Gives that are unique to each individual. also the specific way that we are to offer those gifts to Him as our expression of Love. What am i made for and how do i Love God in the best way He has given me.
How do i find out? what am i supposed to do to find out? what is my destiny? not necessarily what I will be one day as far as platform goes, but What am i to be and how am i to give life to those around me? i mean what am i?
Here is what I Know: God knows what He is doing, He is faithful to complete what He started, He will make sure i know what i need to know to accomplish what He has given me to accomplish. He will let me know what it is i am to accomplish (or at least go after, He is the one that accomplishes anything worthy of note). He has a Destiny and a unique purpose for each individual that He made. He gave each of us a Uniqueness that declares His Creativity, and with that Uniqueness, there is a specific expression of Love and Worship that no one else in History can give. and i know that it is in God’s Heart to bring each of us into that expression.
Right now I don’t have any answers, but I do have Confidence in the Goodness of my Father. He is a Good and Loving Father, Who enjoys us, Who delights to display the numerous facets of His Glory through His Children.
I hope this has been helpful, or at least hasn’t confused anyone. (if i have welcome to the party). May our Great Father give you clarity and peace as He Guides you into His calling. I Love you all and wish you the best on your journey.
by the way, if anyone has any tips, thoughts, or insights please feel free to comment. (no really PLEASE COMMENT)
God be your Peace through Jesus Christ,
God has been doing a lot of work on me over the last 6 months.
before we go there,
God you are Good ALL the time!! it stretches from everlasting to everlasting!!!
Your Kindness toward me is without comprehension!!
Your Glory and Wonder Stun me, i am at a loss for words!!! who can describe Your Excellence!!! Your Majesty is Far above the heavens!!!
You have set your affections toward me Oh God!! You have Pursued me and won my heart!!! I am my Beloved’s and He is mine!! I Love You Jesus!!! You are Faithful to complete the work You have started!!!
any way now that i have that out,
God has been working on me, preparing me, maturing me.
looking back He has had me on some kind of fast track, bringing me up to speed. showing me His power, His Heart for me, for those around me. teaching me that it all comes down to love. He has given me a heart for ministry, for showing people my Daddy’s heart, He has taught me to know His Voice and is teaching me to reject the voice of a stranger. He has showed me that He can use me to minister to others, leading, counselling, intersession.
in the last couple weeks I have felt that is calling me to Texas, that I am to turn my back on engineering/science/academia and go into ministry. i have never been more sure about anything in my life. and it seems that God is calling/preparing me for some kind of leadership (what i don’t know but that is part of the adventure). with this call to leadership comes a Holy dread that this is no thing to be taken lightly and that there is a high responsibility and standard that goes with it.
Christ is returning soon, likely as soon as the next decade or so, projections have that every tribe and nation will have been reached by 2025 at the latest and maybe as soon as 2018. things are accelerating in every arena of life, darkness is getting more dark, and light is getting more bright. this is nothing to fear but to approach soberly, with prayer, seeking God. we NEED to remember that it is about a person, about Christ and that we need to stay focused on Him and let Him give understanding of what is happening. no man knows the day or the hour but we are to be watchful. it is in this context that i feel the Lord preparing me to be a useful vessel for His work to be accomplished on the earth. dark days are ahead for those who don’t keep their eyes on Christ. Lord my we not be offended when you Come in your Glory and Wrath. May our hearts prove faithful to Love, knowing the Deepness of your Love for us.
for these and similar reasons I will be moving down to Dallas in mid-late Feb. I know that God is doing this and that He will take care of the details. i covet your prayers. what ever the Lord lays on your Heart.
May God Give you all His Perfect Peace and give you the Grace to Live Fascinated with Christ. may your Hearts Burn brighter and brighter in the days to come and May God give you a Hunger for Him above all things.
i love you all
living in the Flame
Waiting on the Lord…
“they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. they shall maount up with Wings as eagles, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint”
“Yea, let none them wait on thee be ashamed:”
“Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall stengthen thine heart: wait I say on the Lord.”
“Our soul waits for the LORD: He is our help and shield.”
“Be silent to the LORD, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass…
…Wait on the LORD, and keep His way, and He shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shall see it.”
“Truly my soul waits upon God: from Him comes my salvation… … My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him.”
long and short of it i need more of God and it seems the only way to get more is to wait on Him but it dosen’t say any where what that looks like or how to do it. we are supposed to have dialog conversations, 2 way communication with God but he dosn’t seem to be very talkative and i’m at the end of my rope. i don’t know what to do or how to do it or where to find either of those. God Help i Can’t do this and i can’t stay where i am so Your going to have to do something major in and or around me. i Love You Jesus. can’t we be together !?!? (pained expression of desperation) help me i can’t live like this. and i don’t want to compair myself with others but i can’t make myself stop. i want to know you Jesus!!! i’m tired of knowing about you II want to KNOW YOU i want to be with You where You are. i need YOU.
i cannot clam to be an expert on the ways of God, But as His son i can ask questions. of late i have been coming face to face with my own weakness, lack of resolve, inability to stay faithful, and general puniness. i know intellectually that these are times to encounter the Father’s Strength, Love, and Faithfulness. but i really don’t like it when i don’t want to seek God, the times, however brief, when i have no hunger or longing. I i really don’t care if it is from God or of my own resolve(although i am well aware that i will fall on my face every time with my own resolve, theory and experience have proven that over and over), i just want to have the hunger, know the longing, be consumed by passion, to physically ache with thirst for my God!! and lately it seems that i have not had it mainly because i have been distract able and unfocused in ways i haven’t been in a long time. so my question is if the longing has to come from God, then why do we go through seasons of not actively or passively wanting to be with Him. now as soon as i ask that i know it is the wrong question but that is what i am feeling and i really don’t now what the right question is. and yes i know we walk by faith and not based on how we feel or by sight. but i really want to want Him!!!
Daddy i want to Know You!!! i want to be Consumed with zeal for your house, and with the Fiery Passion for the Bridegroom Jesus. i want to Know the Hunger He feels for me. to Thirst and pant for the presence of my Beloved!! Jesus Fill me with your Passion!! Spirit Show me what Jesus is like and fill me with longing for Him, Ravish my heart With Love for Jesus!!! Father, Grow me in maturity and Give me the perfect Love For Jesus that You Have for Him. Give me the Grace to Love Him with my all. and grow my all to match His. My all is so weak and i fear that i do not Give it all. i Need you to Give me the Grace to Love with all. open my eyes open my ears to behold His Beauty and to Hear Him calling out my name, enlarge my heart in Love!!! i am sick and tired of not loving you or wanting you anywhere near where i want to be or how you love and want me. we have established that i cannot do this. i can do nothing to change it. so do this Work in me. Complete the work you started. you are the faithful witness and are faithful to the end. you are faithful even when i am not faithful.
the best way to describe what i am going through is the picture of this little boy holding a broken statue. this statue has been in the family for years and his father had just showed it to him the night before and told him the story. this morning he has playing and wasn’t thinking and shattered the statue into a thousand pieces. (the statue could be any other heirloom long an short something valuable and irreplaceable.) the boy is weeping as he gathers the pieces and takes them to his Father. His heart is broken and he knows that there is no way things could ever be the same between him and his father. he knows his dad still loves him but he just knows that things will be different and he will be less loved or valued. the seen is frozen at the moment when his father, standing over him first sees what has happened. the boy has his head hug low tears flowing in rivers down His face knowing that because of what he did, nothing will ever be the same. now what this boy needs and what he disparately, disparately, DISPARATELY, wants, longs for and needs, but has convinced himself could never happen, is to know and experience that He is more valuable then any possession, dearly Loved and Delighted in Because of who He is. he would do anything to be embraced by His father and be just held for hours on end hearing his comforting voice assure him that nothing has changed and that he is just as loved as he ever has been and will be. that is were i am. frozen in the moment before my father moves after he sees what has been done, willing to do anything to know that i am loved but feeling that there is nothing i could ever do to fix things.
another picture is of a young women sitting on a train station bench waiting on the train to come in. knowing that because of what she has done her fiance is sure to call off the wedding and have nothing to do with her. she is bent over, holding her face in her hands weeping, knowing that she had eternal bliss in reach and that she had ruined it by what she had done.
now i know that Father God is Love and Loves Perfectly and that there is nothing that can separate me from His Love, and i Know that Jesus paid too high a price because of Love to purchase me and will not call off the wedding. but right now i need to know His embrace, to hear His Voice tell me that nothing has changed, to know that i know that i know that i am His and that He delights in me and is not disappointed that i didn’t stay true, that my love failed. i need to know that i am His and that I have his love and delight. i know that it is true but i need to experience it. Daddy wrap me in your healing arms of love, Jesus Hold me tight in your arms and don’t let me go. keep me by your side.
i love you. my love is weak, inconsistent, and broken, but i love you. help me love you more. i cannot fathom how you could possible love someone as broken and weak as me. touch me with your boundless love. i need you more then i can possibly comprehend, i need you. i need you with every fiber of my being and even that is not enough to describe how much i need you. keep me by your side. let me know that i am yours Jesus, make me holy as you are holy. i love you Jesus.
i love you Jesus… i love you.
So i really am not sure how to convey this and i really don’t understand it very well myself but i feel i need to talk about God’s Fullness fro His Children.
this Fullness is rooted in knowing God on an intimate level. it is the realization that we can do NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. when it comes to anything Good. it is the revelation of Be. and the revelation that that is all that God Does. the first name of God that we find in Scripture is a statment of this fact. “I AM That I AM” God IS. He rests totally confident of Who and What He IS. i have heard it said that “we are because He IS”.
God Doesn’t want us to do anything. He doesn’t want us to try and understand. He wants us to Be and to recieve His Love.
in the documentery Father of Lights When it is looking at the ministry loafs and fishes, (and orphanage that takes care of blind, deaf, lame, and otherwise unadoptable kids in China) it was said that these kids only job was to recieve the Father’s Love lavished upon them. they didn’t have to and couldn’t do anything to give back. all they could do was recieve.
this is a picture of us. we are weak broken people with absolutly nothing to offer God, and no Hope of that ever changing. and yet Christ Paid the Highest price to buy us and to declair our value to Him. When Christ died and we recieve Him we are Justified, that is we are returned to the state we would have had, had sin not entered the world. essentally we are made equales with Adam before the fall, no sin in us and no propencity to sin. This is a truth of the Gospel, We are New Creations in Christ. our sin is no longer in us controling us, but it is outside us trying to get back in. but we don’t have to let them back in and we don’t have to listen to them any more. we can trust and rest in the finished work of the Cross.
So When we come to salvation we are restored to Adam’s original state, But then God takes it one step further and Fills us with His Spirit. This is the Revelation that our Spirit is one With God’s Spirit. we are in Union and there is no seperation or distance between us. this is Fullness. He has Given us all Things, and is drawing us into greater intimacy.
again we can do nothing, it takes God Loving us and Giving us His Love before we are Capable of Loving Him, and it Takes God’s Grace to Recieve God’s Love for us. This Needs to be our Prayer, that God Would Give us The Grace to Recieve what He has for us. the Grace to not try to understand His Love or to Do something to get His Love or to do something With His Love. But to Recieve.
there was a story Allen Hood told of when He had to punish one of his sons. skipping alot of the story, When He went to spank him, his son asked for mercy. so after allen made sure his son knew the magnitude of what he had done, He made a deal with him. “I will show mercy on condition that i get to hold you until I am done.” his son agreed not fully sure if he was being tricked or not. and as he began to hold him his son was kind of tence and figited a little, but after (if i remember correctly) about 20 min, His son just settled in and recieved His Father’s love, and after they were done, his son would not leave His side the rest of the day.
i feel this is what God is wanting to Do, to hold us until He is done(which He won’t be ever ;) ). over the last several days this has been what God has been telling me. “Stop squirming and let me Love you!!! Don’t try to understand it, don’t try to do anything!! Just Recieve My Love!!” it wasn’t until last night that i really Got it.
when i got it i felt this overwhelming Fullness, Just FULL of GOD. and He showed Me that i really can do nothing. all i can do is Be. Be His Beloved. Be His Kid. Be His masterpiece. and He showed me that i can not do minestry, all i can do is show up and watch Him do it. His preasence is what gets things done, His preasence is what changes lives, in His Preasence is FULLNESS OF JOY!! we a preasence carriers. we carry the preasence of the GOD of the Universe inside us. all we can do is step back and watch Him use us, let Him take over, He is much better at Giving people what they need, and He wants us to let Him out. and then enjoy the show as He works.
Father Give us the grace to BE, To Rest in You. to Rest in the Fact that we are Yours and there is nothing we can do or not do that can get you to stop Loving us. Give us the Grace to Recieve. Thank You that you have Given us Your Fullness. Thank you that there is nothing we can do but recieve, and that when we recieve You Fill us to overflowing and people get touched with that Overflow. Keep us in the secret place. Keep our Eyes on You. Enlarge our capacity to encounter More of You. Keep us away from religion, doing and trying to do. Keep us in relationship and a place of recieving. We Love You Jesus. You are SO GOOD!!! Your Goodness is too Wonder full for us to comprehend. We Love you Jesus!! the Spirit and the Bride say COME!! i am my Beloved’s and He is mine. Come LORD Jesus, Come!!!
Jesus is Sooo Good.
Onething Wilmington conference was this last week end. an epic time of Worship and Beholding the Heart of our God.
the last day Jesus it the place with freedom and joy like i have never seen before (granted i havent seen much yet). everyone started just dancing in celebration and victory!!!
Cory Russell spoke and released the fire of God on the whole place and many people were delivered and many were called and sealed for intercession.
being one that has felt that call for a while now it was awesome to have Jesus reconfirm and strengthen that call on my heart.
it is obvious that great exploits are right around the corner as men and women start walking in their identity as Children of the God of the universe. being so enthralled with the Heart of God that nothing can dampen them or stop them from proclaiming truth.
the Forerunner generation is being called and the work of forerunners that have stayed steady for decades is starting to take root and spread across the globe. Jesus is returning soon and the Church needs Forerunners that Know the Son to tell her how to prepare for His Coming!!!
COME LORD JESUS!!!! THE SPIRIT AND THE BRIDE SAY COME!!!! WE MISS YOU JESUS!! COME LORD JESUS!!! COME!!!!